According to recent news from the Vatican, the Alphonso, a variety of Indian mango, has been canonized. Why the Vatican would choose to canonize a fruit, one could hazard guesses all day long, and none would be wiser. But there is no denying that this particular king’s canonization is long overdue. This variety of mango, found most abundantly in the plains of the state of Maharashtra in Western India, was so named when the Portuguese conqueror Afonso de Albuquerque, falling victim to his taste buds, insisted that no other honour could do justice as ascribing this beguiling golden tempter of the palate with his own name. The name systematically underwent corruption, from Alphonso to Aphoos, Hapoos and Hatchoo, as the memories of the courageous and morally conscientious Portuguese leader, who wiped out thousands of infidels to restore the imbalances in the Christian-infidel ratio, faded from the minds of the ingrate natives. This sweet fruit has long been considered as the most precious to ever grace the fruit kingdom.
This golden yellow fruit’s distinct qualities - the sublimely rich sweetness, unparalleled by any natural, or artificial, sweetener in the world, its gentle aromatic scent, and smooth, soft juicy pulp - have contributed to its label as the King of Mangoes. But to the world’s populations that have had the privilege of tasting this fruit, even if only once in their lives, the fruit deserves a far worthier title than the mere King of Mangoes. To its endearing fans, it is the Royalty of the Fruitdom! Why should it not deserve canonization! Why the Vatican took this long to perform the simple deed of honouring such a distinguished royalty is beyond one’s comprehension; nonetheless it has been done finally, so let us rejoice in the prestige. As token of our appreciation, let us send a basket of the best of the golden Alphonsos we can find in the land to the Pope at the Vatican, with a small plain card – an Alphonso does not require a grand, ornate card; it speaks for itself! – which reads simply, "Thank you for bestowing such an honour on the Alphonso. Enjoy the fruits of your labour."
